The Stripper

Not that kind of stripper.

Saturday morning brought rain to town, and cold, toe-numbing, dampness into the house, so I decided to put up the foam weather stripping bought a few weeks ago...when it was still relatively warm outside. Package said it was a piece of cake (or words to that effect) to install. I like cake. A lot.

This was not a piece of cake. First I had to remove some pieces of old felt stripping that predated our ownership, probably by thirty years or more. Someone had pounded long tacks into the stuff and the tacks had rusted over the years. Several of the tack heads crumbled when I attempted to remove them. However, I realized (after the fourth tack and two skinned knuckles) that the old stuff had been applied to the wrong face of the door jamb, and the correct one had no felt stripping at all...and no tacks. I like no tacks. Almost as much as I like cake. But not quite.

This foam looks like grey marshmallow. It has sticky stuff on one side that could hold an alligator, in a full death roll, as still as stone. I learned this when I applied a strip to the hinge edge of the door jamb, in the wrong direction - could not close the door. Okay. No problem. I'll just use the carpet cutting blade of my utility pocket knife and scrape the strip off - easy-peasy, puddin' and pie. I like pie, too. A lot.

I don't like humble pie, though, and I had to eat a couple of slices of that after telling the Universe that this job was going to be easy-peasy, puddin' and...well, you know.

As I scraped (and scraped, and scraped) off the marshmallow strip from hell, I gathered it in my other hand, not thinking about the alligator bit. Finished with the removal from the door jamb, I then began the battle to remove it from my hand. Now, given that the wad of stripping was stuck rather firmly to the one hand, wouldn't you think it would occur to me that if I pulled at it with the empty hand that it would stick to that one as well? You're nodding your head, aren't you, amused at my stupidity. Unh-hunh. I can feel the vibrations through the keyboard.

Went into the kitchen for a paper towel to dispose of the mess now in both hands. The adhesive from the weather stripping is stronger than paper, and stronger than my will to remove the strips from my hands, my sight, my house. I now had weather stripping and shreds of paper towels in each hand.

A lock of hair fell across my face and I reached up to brush it aside. Oh. Yes. I. Did.

For nearly ten minutes I contemplated abandoning the house, getting into my truck and leaving the country. I could imagine the conversation at the border when I try to explain to the border guards about the grey worm-like appendages growing from each palm. I just hope they'd try patting me down, because I would return the favor, sticky worms and all. (Actually, that might be a whole lot of fun.)

After I yanked out a dozen or so hairs by the roots (none of them grey), I checked the cupboard in the bathroom for a solvent of some kind. Tried rubbing alcohol - no go. Then hairspray, witch hazel rub, hand cream and lip gloss - none of them worked, and now I was highly flammable as well as sticky. My hands were covered in a low-tech version of napalm.

I wanted to cry, but could only laugh. My hands reeked and were beginning to sting from all the things I used. Stumbled my way into the kitchen and used my elbow to lift the water lever and ran cold water over my hands. The grey marshmallow stuff soaks up water rather well, which shouldn't surprise me, I guess - it is foam, after all. The water made the foam heavy and it started to fall off my hands - well, most of it, anyway. Grabbed more paper towels and was able to pull off more of the stripping. Hurray! This is going to work out just fine.

Looked under the sink where I store all the other household chemicals, like lye, bleach, sulphuric acid and formaldehyde. No, no - only the usual stuff, honest. There used to be a bottle of degreaser gunk, but I used it a couple of years ago, to clean the outside of the stove. Went through my mental list of home remedies for household problems. I know that if bubble gum gets stuck in fabric, you can put it in the freezer and the gum will break off. In my case, my fingers would break off, and that was a tad too extreme a cure.

Then I remembered olive oil. Wonderful multi-purpose olive oil. It can be used to remove the adhesive left behind when you remove the price label from glass, metal and plastic goods. Found my bottle of extra-virgin, poured a little on each palm, and rubbed my hands together as if I were trying to start a fire with two sticks.

Ta-da! It worked!

After cleaning my hands of the oil, I returned to the original task and finished laying the stripping around the door jamb.

Not only is it warmer in the back room now, but it is also quieter - a welcome bonus. Next time I am faced with a sticky situation, I will reach for my bottle of olive oil, and all will be right as rain in no time at all.

I need to write this stuff down, because I'll likely forget it by the time I need it again.

I'll do that, just as soon as I have that piece of cake.
(c) 2009 Martha McLemore