Tuesday, August 31, 2010

School Dazed

My Lop-sided Mom-Haircut, September 1954

I don't remember much about first grade, beyond the new box of chubby crayons, eight in a box, and the huge yellow pencil.  Oh, and recess (of course), and the name tag on butcher's twine that I wore around my neck.  All first graders wore them, which made us easy targets for the second-graders (who only lost theirs just three months earlier) to point at us, laughing about the tags. 

The photo above is from second grade, which I remember much better.  The dress, with the lace-trimmed collar that would not lie flat because my mother had starched the daylights out of it, was plaid, in shades of brown and cream and orange.  Mama picked it out for me, and a green one just like it, only with a peter-pan collar.  My preference was a red dress with little bouquets scattered all over, trimmed with white piqué collar and piping on the sleeves.  But my heart's true desire was the pink party dress of sheer rayon, with tons of ruffles, and puffed sleeves with dark pink bows.  We went home with the sensible cotton day dresses in brown and green.  She did let me have the red plaid book satchel with the bright red plastic handle, though; perhaps as compensation for having to leave the party dress behind. 

I remember the dark brown mary-janes that buckled on the outside edge, and the anklets with lace around the cuffs.  I was so afraid Mama was going to buy those awful brown and white saddle-oxfords, or the lace-up ones like I had in first grade, which never stayed tied, causing me to trip more times than I can  remember. 

By second grade, the love of school that began the year before had grown into a passion, if one can have such a thing at age seven.  When the weather changed toward fall, I could hardly wait for the first day and marked the calendar in anticipation almost as strong as when awaiting my birthday.  I loved reading and spelling more than I did arithmetic.  We were divided into reading groups named for birds, based on our skill levels.  My group, the cardinals, were the top group, and our numbers grew during the year as other kids learned to read better.  My teacher gave me a compliment one afternoon, telling me that I read very well, with inflection and good phrasing.  When I got home that afternoon, I told Mama that Teacher said I could read with infection.  (My mother loved to tell that story.)

What prompted these memories was my search for a book bag this evening, in preparation for my first day at college tomorrow.  There are two or three of them somewhere in the house, maybe the attic, but my favorite is one Ex-B received a few years ago as a promotion through his company.  It's constructed of tough nylon canvas, black with Microsoft's MSN logo stitched in white next to the rainbow-colored butterfly.  I think it was meant for his laptop, but he gave it to me for my camera and lenses.  I haven't bought my books yet, but I have put in it (so far) two wire-bound notebooks, my fountain pen with extra cartridges, a couple of pencils and trusty Staedtler sharpener, a spare rescue inhaler, about 50 paper clips, two clean handkerchiefs, my wallet with ID and lunch money, house keys, car keys, cell phone and my second pair of cheater reading glasses.  Plus, all my hopes that I will do well and not be the oldest kid in class.  Oh, yeah...an apple.

No crayons, though.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

New Day, New Life

Back in May, I posted about my divorce, and in the comments, BB wrote "...one worry about such a divorce is which version of you will emerge at the other end." 

At the time, I wasn't convinced I would emerge, let alone have any idea who I would be, if I did.  Like millions of other people around the world, I was facing some serious financial problems, and was more concerned with just surviving than who I was going to be.

Then there was the blow to my pride in registering for the food bank, and the nightmarish mess with the OVR.  On the heels of that, my poor old car decided it couldn't go another inch and started acting up.  It needed repairs (close to $800) to pass inspection by the end of this month, and I was broke - beyond broke.  I was busted.

I had had all I could stand.  Like Howard Beale (played by Peter Finch) in the movie, Network, I was as mad as hell.  I felt something inside start to crack.  The image that came to mind was a crow egg cracking open, with a new chick pecking its way to the outside.  That's where the line in my poem, I Am, came from.

A new Crow is emerging.  I'm getting my bearings, stretching my wings and deciding in which direction I want to fly.

I've written to our governor about my experiences with OVR; not for my sake, because I am finished with them, but in hopes someone in his office (I doubt Rendell will ever see the letter) will look into what's happening at the OVR.  Perhaps the next person who seeks help through them will receive better treatment than I have.

I applied for (and was granted) a student loan to pay the remainder of my tuition and books.  Didn't want to go further into debt, but I need this training and diploma to help me find more (or better) employment.  I also did not want to quit the job I have in order to have OVR pay for anything!  I start classes this coming Tuesday.

Since I have no savings, and only a part-time job which doesn't even cover all the necessities, and have been turned down for other part-time work more times than I care to count, in desperation I applied for a home-equity line of credit to pay off the one credit card I have (27.5% APR!) and get my car repaired.  I expected to be denied the loan, despite the fact there is no mortgage on the house, nor any liens - plus taxes and insurance are current.  Imagine my surprise (stunned surprise, actually) when the loan went through!  The payment each month for this loan is far less than what I was paying to the credit card company, so that the income I do have will go farther.  Plus, I learned yesterday that I will be getting a small raise.  (The historical society took a hard hit three years ago when the market and world economy dropped into this deep recession.  There were no salary increases for those years.)

I was beginning to see light at the end of that dark tunnel.  The eggshell cracked a bit wider.

Last week, I decided to cut my hair.  Big deal, you might be thinking, but it was a big deal.  I started letting my hair grow out four years ago, the spring before all the darkness came upon my spirit.  (Thought I would grow up to be a long-haired biker granny - HA!) 

The details surrounding my fraudulent marriage knocked me down, hard, and I stopped caring about everything.  When the eggshell started cracking, when I got mad and started taking control of my life again, I realized I didn't want this mane of hair, either.  I pulled it into a ponytail, went to my hairdresser and told her to cut it all off.  I kept fifteen inches of it in the ponytail.

"What are you going to do with it," she asked me.

I told her it was a souvenir, a reminder of what I had survived over the last four years. 

"Cutting this off," I said, "is cutting my ties to that time.  I'm letting go of the past, putting it behind me."

When I grew quiet, she asked if I was okay.

Told her I was, but that I didn't realize that was why I got my hair cut until I actually said it out loud.

The shell cracked open all the way.  The new Crow is out.  Don't have all the answers yet, but they will come in time. 

They will come.






Thursday, August 26, 2010

I Am



Crow-citation (Crocitation)


I am
A bright golden leaf
Dancing in the soft autumn breeze,
Delaying my destiny with the ground.


I am
My mother’s love-song
That hums in my heart,
Lifting me up in my darkest hours.


I am
The cracking eggshell
That shelters the hatchling-me,
Until I am ready to face the world.


I am
The brush that strokes
The canvas of my life with color,
Painting a dream yet to be.


I am
The sunrise on a crisp winter morn,
Whose light sparkles across the snow,
Lighting my way with rainbow splinters.


I am
The crow’s wing feather
That fell onto my window sill,
Entreating me to take flight.


I am
A portal to the Universe
Where all answers will be found,
Beckoning me to step on through.


I am
The library, full of stories,
That holds the key to who I am,
Waiting for me to unlock the door.


I am
The last page of the old book,
And the first page of the new,
And only I can write the next line.

I am ready, now, to live.

Martha McLemore, 2010
Photo by Stuart Richardson

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Green Bananas

One of the many blogs I like to visit is Notes from the VooDoo Cafe, written by Ricë Freeman-Zachery, an artist-writer-free-spirit in Midland, Texas.


Last night, before turning in after a long, hard day, while I was grousing about my aches and pains (Whiner should be my middle name), I visited Ricë's cafe.  She had found and posted a short video about another artist-performer, Ilona Royce Smithkin, that inspired me to shut up and be glad I can still buy green bananas.


I had my hair cut very short last Saturday, so that most of the white is what shows now, and I was thinking about getting it colored orange or purple, but I rather like Ilona's color.  More than that, though, I absolutely love her attitude and free-wheeling style.

(It appears that Google will not allow me to embed the video here, so if it doesn't play as it should, please use the link at Ilona's name.)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Scrambled Eggs (or, WTF with the OVR?)

Several months ago, I wrote about an unfortunate experience with the Pennsylvania Office of Vocational Rehabilitation, whom I had contacted seeking help in trying to find a career/training which would support me for the rest of my life.  I tried to write humorously, mostly to help me get over the despair I felt after talking to my counselor.  I can find no humor in how things have turned out, none whatsoever.

I was assigned a new counselor, a young woman who, unbeknownst to me, was new on the job.  We got off to a good start, I thought - certainly better than CL and I had done back in February.  AS, the new girl (well, she's at least 40 years younger than I am), told me I was eligible for OVR services and asked me what I hoped to accomplish with their assistance.  I explained that, given my age (62 at the time) and my inadequate education, I had concerns that I wouldn't find full-time work (currently employed part-time) which would provide enough income for me to live and be able to keep my house.  I explained that I had no savings, no health insurance, no retirement fund and was looking at a pretty bleak future when I reached retirement age.  I needed additional training or education, with documentation of some sort - degree or diploma - which would help me compete against younger, better educated applicants.  Although it is against the law in the US to discriminate on the basis of age, it happens all the time in the corporate work arena.  My hope was to acquire a position with the state or federal government agencies where age is not a factor, but skill set is.

We went over some options for me, including the option of returning to college.  As it turned out, a community college in Gettysburg offers a Professional Bookkeeper Diploma program, obtainable in 18-20 credit hours, which I could finish by the end of 2011, going part-time.  I was excited, and began feeling hopeful again, after several months of despair and serious depression.  AS encouraged me to apply for admission to the college and to apply for state and federal financial aid.  She stated that OVR could help with tuition, depending upon how much funding I could secure from state and federal sources.

I applied for grants through FAFSA, which stands for Free Application for Federal Student Aid, and was awarded, initially, enough funds to almost completely cover my tuition, fees and books for the coming school year.  This was great news, because I have absolutely no money to cover anything, after using paychecks from my part-time job to pay bills, put gas in my car, buy food - and medicines I need to keep me going.

The first thing that disappointed me, but is completely understandable, is that my grants were reduced because I will be a part-time (under 12 credit hours per semester) student.  Well, that's okay, I thought, because AS had said OVR could grant up to $2,000 per semester, depending on how much remained after grants were awarded.  I didn't need the full amount, so things were looking very good for my starting classes at the end of August.

(Aside: Now, understand that becoming a bookkeeper is NOT what I want to do.  It is what I can do, and must do, in order to provide for myself over the next 10 or more years, hoping, of course, that I have that much time left.  I've made peace with bookkeeping, but if I had my druthers, as my Mom used to say, art and creative writing are my first choices for more education at this stage in my life.  I've always wanted to be an artist, and was toying with taking those courses.  Except that reality reared its ugly head and bit me in the butt, real hard.  Earning a good living as an artist is a serious challenge, even for the gifted artist...and I do not believe I have that gift.  So, bean-counting it is for me.)

I called AS and asked for an appointment to go over what to do next to acquire the education assistance she told me would be available through OVR.  Her response surprised, shocked and depressed the hell out of me all within the few seconds it took to realize what she was telling me.  OVR will fund my training only if I am a full-time student.

What?!?  We had discussed, frequently, the fact that I could only go to classes part-time because I needed my job to pay the bills, pay for food, gas, meds, et cetera.  At what point in those discussions had she planned to fill me in on that little tidbit of necessary info?  I ended the call stunned, couldn't even think of what to say to her that was polite and could be said in church.  I called back the next day to set up a face-to-face to learn what I could do next.

Oh, it gets better.

Turns out, she shouldn't have taken me on as a client in the first place, despite meeting the eligibility requirements, because I have a job.  Because...I...have...a...job. (Where had I heard that before?!)  Six months into this, and she tells me she shouldn't even be meeting with me because I am employed.

And they wonder why they are sued?  Well, I do not intend to sue OVR for the ineptitude of their employees.  I do, however, intend to fight this all the way up to the federal level, if I must, because nowhere on their web site does it say that their services are available only to the unemployed.  Their web site promises compassionate, professional counseling, with every possible effort made to help clients find or maintain adequate employment, through counseling, physical rehabilitation, education and/or training and a whole laundry list of other possible services.

Look out, OVR; I has a mad, and you is it!  (Quote from a LOL Cat picture.)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

How Long?



I read the headline on my MSN homepage: Iraq general wants the US to stay until 2020.  Ten more years in a war that should not have been, served the purposes of one man - and his father - and costs us billions of dollars every day we're there: not to mention our most valuable assets, our fellow citizens.


Upon reading the words of the headline, my heart sank and a great sadness swept over me.  A poem by one of my favorite writers, Robert Service, a Canadian (born in England), came to mind and I went searching for my worn volume of his works.


(My grandson, disabled with autism, turns 18 this year, and if the draft is reinstated, his disability probably will not prevent his having to go.  This is the source of the sadness that overtook me for awhile this morning.)


Here is Robert Service's poem, "The Stretcher-Bearer":

THE STRETCHER-BEARER


My stretcher is one scarlet stain,
And as I tries to scrape it clean,
I tell you wot --- I'm sick with pain
For all I've 'eard, for all I've seen;


Around me is the 'ellish night,
And as the war's red rim I trace,
I wonder if in 'Eaven's height,
Our God don't turn away 'Is Face.


I don't care 'oose the Crime may be;
I 'olds no brief for kin or clan;
I 'ymns no 'ate: I only see
As man destroys his brother man;


I waves no flag: I only know,
As 'ere beside the dead I wait,
A million 'earts is weighed with woe,
A million 'omes is desolate.


In drippin' darkness, far and near,
All night I've sought them woeful ones.
Dawn shudders up and still I 'ear
The crimson chorus of the guns.

Look! like a ball of blood the sun
'Angs o'er the scene of wrath and wrong.
"Quick! Stretcher-bearers on the run!
O Prince of Peace! 'Ow long, 'ow long?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Good Question


"Somewhere, and I can't find where, I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest, "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?"

"No," said the priest, "not if you did not know."

"Then why," asked the Eskimo earnestly, "did you tell me?"

- Annie Dillard, at Whiskey River