New Day, New Life

Back in May, I posted about my divorce, and in the comments, BB wrote "...one worry about such a divorce is which version of you will emerge at the other end." 

At the time, I wasn't convinced I would emerge, let alone have any idea who I would be, if I did.  Like millions of other people around the world, I was facing some serious financial problems, and was more concerned with just surviving than who I was going to be.

Then there was the blow to my pride in registering for the food bank, and the nightmarish mess with the OVR.  On the heels of that, my poor old car decided it couldn't go another inch and started acting up.  It needed repairs (close to $800) to pass inspection by the end of this month, and I was broke - beyond broke.  I was busted.

I had had all I could stand.  Like Howard Beale (played by Peter Finch) in the movie, Network, I was as mad as hell.  I felt something inside start to crack.  The image that came to mind was a crow egg cracking open, with a new chick pecking its way to the outside.  That's where the line in my poem, I Am, came from.

A new Crow is emerging.  I'm getting my bearings, stretching my wings and deciding in which direction I want to fly.

I've written to our governor about my experiences with OVR; not for my sake, because I am finished with them, but in hopes someone in his office (I doubt Rendell will ever see the letter) will look into what's happening at the OVR.  Perhaps the next person who seeks help through them will receive better treatment than I have.

I applied for (and was granted) a student loan to pay the remainder of my tuition and books.  Didn't want to go further into debt, but I need this training and diploma to help me find more (or better) employment.  I also did not want to quit the job I have in order to have OVR pay for anything!  I start classes this coming Tuesday.

Since I have no savings, and only a part-time job which doesn't even cover all the necessities, and have been turned down for other part-time work more times than I care to count, in desperation I applied for a home-equity line of credit to pay off the one credit card I have (27.5% APR!) and get my car repaired.  I expected to be denied the loan, despite the fact there is no mortgage on the house, nor any liens - plus taxes and insurance are current.  Imagine my surprise (stunned surprise, actually) when the loan went through!  The payment each month for this loan is far less than what I was paying to the credit card company, so that the income I do have will go farther.  Plus, I learned yesterday that I will be getting a small raise.  (The historical society took a hard hit three years ago when the market and world economy dropped into this deep recession.  There were no salary increases for those years.)

I was beginning to see light at the end of that dark tunnel.  The eggshell cracked a bit wider.

Last week, I decided to cut my hair.  Big deal, you might be thinking, but it was a big deal.  I started letting my hair grow out four years ago, the spring before all the darkness came upon my spirit.  (Thought I would grow up to be a long-haired biker granny - HA!) 

The details surrounding my fraudulent marriage knocked me down, hard, and I stopped caring about everything.  When the eggshell started cracking, when I got mad and started taking control of my life again, I realized I didn't want this mane of hair, either.  I pulled it into a ponytail, went to my hairdresser and told her to cut it all off.  I kept fifteen inches of it in the ponytail.

"What are you going to do with it," she asked me.

I told her it was a souvenir, a reminder of what I had survived over the last four years. 

"Cutting this off," I said, "is cutting my ties to that time.  I'm letting go of the past, putting it behind me."

When I grew quiet, she asked if I was okay.

Told her I was, but that I didn't realize that was why I got my hair cut until I actually said it out loud.

The shell cracked open all the way.  The new Crow is out.  Don't have all the answers yet, but they will come in time. 

They will come.