Beginning To See Trees

 

 

The familiar expression about not seeing the forest for the trees, meaning one can't see the big picture for being myopically focused on details, doesn't fit with my situation right now.  My problem is being overwhelmed by the enormity of the forest surrounding me, full of frightening sounds and shadows, no clear path (or paths) to follow out of the darkness, with frightening goblins jumping at me, ambushing my peace of mind.

 

However, I have a guide now, my former therapist, whom I last met with four years ago.  I tried counseling with a psychologist at the Veterans Outreach Clinic nearby, but it was not a good fit.  In fact, she made me feel worse than when I walked in.  She insinuated on my first visit that I was a malingerer, there for compensation.  I tried counseling with her through two visits, recognized it wasn't going to work and left.

 

I've been ill for a long time, more than 50 years.  Whatever happened at the end of December opened all the closet doors, behind which I've been stashing bogeymen -- instead of dealing with each issue as it popped up.  I do have PTSD, related to my time in service, triggered by my visits to the VA clinic, but it is mild and will settle down.  I can feel a space opening up around me, allowing a bit of light in.  That light will enable me to see into the rest of the darkness.

 

I have a long way to go before I'm out of the woods, the labyrinth of my mind.  There will be more clearings, I hope, where I can stop to rest, to gather my wits about me, before going down the next path.

 

For the time being (however long that might be), I will continue to lurk, to visit your blogs, but won't be back here for awhile.  Just wanted to pop in and let friends know I'm okay.

 

So, happy trails to you, until we meet again.